Yes, you there. You know who you are.
You are that sick individual that just can’t keep focused in the boardroom. Sure, the executive who is lecturing the sales team about how hard we need to push sales because the monthly quota is declining might be important but to be honest, your eyes are drawn towards something else. That brushed steel bracelet that seems to pop in and out of his sleeve like a cautious prey, making certain that the coast is clear of predators. However in this case, you my friend may be a predator in disguise. Even from a fair distance you can hear the rhythmic tapping of his steel bracelet and the black resin of his cufflink clashing. You wonder to yourself, what is he wearing? It looks like a three link bracelet. Rolex? No wait? It’s actually a five link. Could it be that the boss is wearing a Grand Seiko? Suddenly, busted. He clicks at you, “Mate, my eyes are up here!” If the following seven signs are familiar to you, you my friend, are most likely a wrist pervert.
So without further ado, here is what we think:
1. When you are out in public, your eyes just cannot help but creepily suss out the wrists of unsuspecting victims… Oh, I mean people. Whether you are in the lift, waiting at the restaurant for your food to be served, browsing at the shopping mall, or even in the damn taxi checking out the cab driver. Wow, you really are a sick bastard!
2. When you see something interesting strapped around a wrist, but your 10 seconds of arousal is met with disappointment when it turns out to be a Fitbit. The horrors! As much as it pains me to say, not everyone likes wearing traditional watches, you know? Of course, not everyone loves wasting five minutes of their lives every morning to hear that sweet, tactile winding sound from the gears when setting the time.
3. When you meet a self-proclaimed WIS (“Watch Idiot Savant”) and instead of being polite like your mother told you to, you ignore manners and skip small talk by initiating the conversation with the question, “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” Seriously folks, do not be this guy. At least tell them your name!
4. Sometimes it’s not other wrists that excite you, it’s your own. If this sounds familiar to you, then you are a special type of wrist pervert and probably the worst of them all. Not only do you enjoy undressing the sleeves of others with your eyes, you also like to do it to yourself you narcissistic freak. However this time, you can literally roll up your sleeves. What’s that? You’ve got a defensive argument? No, those are excuses and I bet they are something along the lines of the following: “But just look at the way the light plays with the polished angles on the case! Watch as the light dances and draws out the beautiful straight lines on my art deco inspired Reverso.” Or maybe you might say something like, “I’m just appreciating the zaratsu polishing on my understated Grand Seiko. I’m not doing anything wrong!” Whatever your justification may be, you know damn sure that it is not the worst thing you could do. No, no, instead of looking around your surroundings to make sure no one has busted you perving on your wrist, you shamelessly take out your phone to capture the moment! Come on man, really? In public? Just no.
5. In addition to the previous symptom of your sickness, further indication of your perverted nature includes the fact that your phone’s photo gallery is absolutely jam packed with wrist shots, regardless of being yours or belonging to “a friend”. And no, that one photo of you and your dog does not count. And to make things more depressing, you try to mask your obsession with wrist porn by having something corny in the background. The most popular ones are skim milk lattes topped with chocolate powder, shaped into cute love hearts by that pretty barista. But little do they suspect that you have a dark secret, move over Christian Grey, there’s a more twisted dude in town.
6. So it turns out you are not as lonely as I thought. Or maybe you are because most of your friends are on social media. But I’m not talking about friends that you chat about current events with, or talk about real estate and how the property prices are ridiculous in Australia. I’m referring to how you only use your social media accounts to trade wrist porn with other wrist perverts! Great, like one is not enough!
7. Now look at that, we made it to the final point. By now you are probably hoping that this is the one criteria you do not meet. To show some sign of mercy, I specifically left it last because you may or may not indicate signs of this specific symptom, due to the fact that a luminous dial may not be your thing. So let’s say for argument’s sake that you do love those dive, or pilot watches. To make this work, and to go out with a bang, I’m going to bring the storyteller out of me and paint a scene in your imagination. It’s a cold Friday night in a dimly-lit bar and you could barely feel your fingers. The only thing on your mind (for now) is the warmth that radiates from the fireplace in front of you. You listen to the crackling whispers of the flames burning the discarded timber, when coincidentally enough, in the corner of your eye you notice another flame. On the other side of the room, just above the sleeve of a stranger’s blazer you notice some really intense glowing light. Like Superman and his weakness to kryptonite, your perverted eyes are weak to the curiosity at discovering what is worn on the wrists of strangers. You find your eyes gravitating towards the luminous dial that illuminates from the darkness. “That must be some Super-Luminova Grade C3” you proclaim in your head. You start to sweat, and you know damn sure it isn’t from the heat of the flames. As you loosen your neck tie, you start to wonder if you should put that fire out because like Nelly states, “It’s gettin’ hot in here, so take off all your clothes.” Please don’t though. But what I do suggest you do, is that if you checked all of the seven signs above, seek some professional help, you creepy pervert.